Toxic Friendships
Suraji Wagage, PhD, JD
Good friendships are one of the great joys of life. Unhealthy or “toxic” friendships, on the other hand, can be depleting and can even negatively impact mental health. How can you distinguish a healthy friendship from a toxic one, and if you are in a toxic friendship, how can you end it? Read on to find out.
Healthy Friendships
At their best, friendships are a reciprocal give and take: you are there for someone through good times and bad, and they are there for you. You each enrich the other person’s life and you come away from interactions feeling understood and even restored and revitalized. These friendships are nourishing.
And healthy friendships have healthy boundaries: you can be honest with each other, you can say “no” when you can’t do or provide something, and you can express differences of opinion without negative repercussions. You each give each other space as needed and you each consider the other person’s perspective and feelings.
Benefits of healthy friendships
Research shows that friendships are vital to our wellbeing in terms of reduced stress, increased happiness, coping with life’s challenges, and providing a sense of community and belonging. Strong friendships are even linked with improved health and longevity.
Signs of a Toxic Friendship
No reciprocity: An unhealthy friendship is one in which there is a pronounced imbalance (e.g., one person is taking more and one person is giving more). A friendship could be described as “toxic” if this imbalance is extreme. For example, a friend may never contribute to the friendship by providing emotional or other support, but only takes support from you. You do not feel that you can go to this friend when you are in need or when you are struggling, because they may be dismissive or make the situation about themselves.
Lack of boundaries: In a toxic friendship, there may be no firm boundaries. Perhaps you feel you cannot express your needs and wants or have opinions that differ from your friend’s. You may not be able to take space when you need it or decline to do things you don’t want to do because you fear your friend’s reaction. You may feel obligated to continue to give or concerned about what might happen to your friend if you separate yourself in any way.
Emotionally draining: You may feel exhausted after interactions with your friend. You may frequently feel sad, scared, frustrated, or angry, but you may also push these feelings away because you are accustomed to putting your friend’s needs first (consequently, you may feel “nothing” or “fine” for long periods of time followed by seemingly sudden outbursts when your feelings erupt and you have a fight). You do not feel refreshed or renewed after interactions.
Sense of competition: Your friend may react to your good news or success with hurt or anger because there is a sense that you are in competition and, to your friend, your success means they failed or lost. You may suspect that when you are unhappy or struggling, your friend is actually secretly pleased or feels better about themselves.
Ways to end a toxic friendship
Ending a toxic friendship may be difficult if you have grown accustomed to ignoring your own needs in the relationship. You may get drawn into a debate in which you feel you have to justify your reasons for ending the relationship, and are pushed into backing down. In order to try to avoid this, be direct, firm, focus on your emotions, and remember that you do not have to explain or justify anything. If you want, you can simply let your friend know you would like to step back from the friendship. You do not owe further explanation as to why.
If you would like to provide more information, you can mention how you have felt in the relationship or relationship dynamics that you’ve noticed. This is more difficult to contradict than focusing on what your friend has or has not done. Try to keep the conversation brief and clearly state what you want (e.g., no further contact). Be prepared: your friend may respond with anger, rage, or sadness, especially if they are used to having you to fulfill their needs without complaint. If this happens, it does not mean you are doing something wrong. You may wish to practice the conversation beforehand alone or with a loved one.